Thursday, July 29, 2010
1. How do I pronounce the groom's last name?
I'm glad you asked this question. I have been dealing with this problem my entire life and I continue to fight the good fight. My last name is Heede. You pronounce the last E. So phonetically speaking, it is Heedy or Heedee or He Dee.
2. What is the bride's first name?
If you answered b) Alyssa, you are right. Any other answer gets you dis-invited.
3. Why Pennsylvania?
Because Skytop is a castle and I consider myself a prince and Alyssa is my little princess and that is what princes and princesses do. They get married in castles.
4. What is the groom's shoe size?
Normally, I wear size 13 shoes. Nike runs a little large, so I wear 12 in Nike. Flip flops, boat shoes, and penny loafers all vary so I like to try them on.
5. Why is the groom so much taller than the bride?
If I were closer to her height we would have to have a step stool in every room to reach the hard to reach places. Personally, I find step stools to be a waste of money. That's why I grew so tall.
6. What makes Alyssa so darn beautiful?
Well, just like the old saying goes little girls are made of "sugar and spice and everything nice." Alyssa is made up of all of that plus a few secret ingredients that I'm not exactly at liberty to discuss. Alyssa would kill me. Plus, I don't know her little secret. She doesn't tell me everything. My theory is that she found the fountain of youth because she still gets IDed everywhere we go and complete strangers think she's fresh out of high school. But that's just a theory.
7. Why isn't Peanut in the wedding party?
Peanut is an attention junky. She craves the spotlight and needs everyone's eyes on her. Since Alyssa and I want most of the attention at our wedding on us, with an 80/20 split favoring Alyssa, that leaves no attention for Peanut. She would never be okay with that. Peanut would undoubtedly make some sort of scene and have to be escorted from the premises by Skytop police. Since we plan on avoiding all of this drama, Peanut is not even invited. Sorry Nut.
8. Why do I go to the movies so often?
Alyssa is a cinephile. I need to go to the movies in order to keep the relationship going. There is nothing I can do to curb Alyssa's love of film. I find her love and knowledge of movies to be quite alluring.
9. What is Rambo's first name?
The answer is c) John. If you answered this question wrong, you are not a true patriot. You need to stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance and hum The Star Spangled Banner. Afterwards, you will be allowed to rejoin the wedding guests.
10. How was I able to land such a catch as Alyssa?
Luck and timing and the stars aligned, I told a great joke and my hair looked really good that day, my clothes were freshly pressed and the odor eaters were working overtime. Besides all of that, Peanut didn't growl at me, I remembered the Axe, I brushed my teeth three times that day, there was plenty of change in my pockets, my political views were quite moderate at the time, and the sun was shining too.
I'm sure some or all or none of the above had something to do with it; haven't really figured it out yet.
Our story begins one stormy lightning-filled night when Alyssa tried to set me up on a blind date with one of her friends. I didn't actually believe this to be the case and really thought she just wanted to see me. Turns out, I was absolutely wrong. She was trying to set me up with a friend. I showed up to Maxwell's where Alyssa was chilling and gallivanting with her friends. She tried to get me to talk to her friend and I was caught completely off guard because I thought her text to me about wanting me to meet her "friend" was code. I humored Alyssa with this "blindsiding" date for a while, but sadly, I was more interested in Alyssa. Sadly for her friend that is :-)
So I walked Alyssa home that night and we laughed and smiled and got drenched in the rain. Until we got into a taxi that is; unfortunately, that sped up the walk home significantly. Alyssa still regrets getting into that taxi because she was enthralled with my life story.
That was the start of something beautiful and fuzzy. Next up on the holiday party list was Halloween. I was in a bit of a jam because I didn't have a costume picked out. Alyssa had been preparing for this holiday for weeks. She was dead set on winning the costume contest at Onieal's. She was stunningly dressed as Kat Von D. I didn't have the slightest clue as to who that was. Some tattooed girl on the TLC channel. Why would I know that? Anyway, back to my tale.
Thankfully my mother, the sweetest lady ever, (tied with Alyssa's mom) decided she would help me out with my costume. With only a mere two hours until I needed a costume I was in dire straits. Finally, I had a brainstorm. Justin Timberlake from his infamous SNL music video, "____ in a Box". Now, being tied for sweetest lady in the world, my mom would never willingly participate in creating such a distasteful get up. She needed to be tricked. So I tricked her. I had her wrap the box and I did the rest myself.
To make a long story short, my mom was disgusted by what the costume turned out to be. Alyssa found it to be hilarious. And to top it all off, I won first prize at Onieal's and took home a gift certificate that served to pay for one of our first official dates. Thanks mom.
It was an unforgettable Halloween. The first of many.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Losing a pet is never easy. Especially when that pet has been a member of the family for a decade. Timber started out as a dog Leanne and Mom impulsively bought when Dad was away on a fishing trip with Connor and Ryan and I was off at college. Dad was not pleased, to say the least, when he arrived home to see a white German shepherd standing on the couch filling up the living room picture window. He always joked that on seeing Timber when he drove into the driveway, he made the comment, "there's my boat." He went on to get a boat, but with mom and Leanne's purchase, he gained a friend. Leanne's ongoing complaint of Timber was that he was her dog but he liked Dad better than her. With Leanne being away at college for 4 years and Mom never very appreciative about the hair Timber left all over everything he came in contact with, Timber, perhaps instinctively, gravitated toward Dad. They kept the same hours, with Dad waking up before the ass crack of dawn and Timber there with him when he went out to get the paper. Dad also had the tendency to give Timber his leftovers. So of course the dog made the right choice.
Anyway, it is with a heavy heart, but one filled with fond memories, that I make a top ten list of moments shared with Timber, our family dog. (Family members were consulted for their thoughts)
10. The first time I met Timber. I came home from college for a long weekend and in the family room I waited for Timber to come in. When he did, he was a wild man on crack in the body of a dog. He ran so many laps around the room that not only was I dizzy from watching him, I was also exhausted. I have never, til this day, seen a dog with more energy.
9. If Timber was a human, he would have made a fantastic landscaper. In the second half of his life, Timber was so attached to Dad that he had to be outside if Dad was outside. And when Dad mowed the lawn, Timber followed him. Right behind him. When Dad reached the end of the yard and turned around, Timber did the same. He kept pace with Dad for the entire mowing session.
8. Timber kissing a coyote. Amazing things happen on good old Amaryllis Ave. One being that a coyote was roaming the street for a day. The coyote was in our backyard and Timber wanted to get outside to say hi. When he was mistakenly let out, the coyote jumped the fence, only to turn and attempt to stare Timber down. Timber, never one to be bashful, ran up to the fence and got nose to nose with the coyote. It was like he was meeting a long lost relative.
7. Timber, as scary and intimidating as he appeared when he was barking like a rabid mutt on the other side of the living room picture window, was a sweet heart and anxiety stricken. Much like babies have security blankets, Timber had his security bowl. Whenever he was nervous about a visitor, his bowl would be in his mouth. And nothing was funnier than Timber trying to be all intimidating by barking while holding the bowl in his mouth.
6. Timber had a nervous bladder. When he was young, he would lose control and pee whenever I would come home. He did this for a number of people. Mostly men. However, throughout his life, Timber held on to this tradition with Aunt Nancy. Even though this habit stopped for me and mostly everyone else, Aunt Nancy still tickled his sphincter muscle because he peed to years each time she came over. So much so that when she came in she would have to run straight to the back door and let him out.
5. Timber destroyed two of his cages. He loved his freedom. More than (insert racial joke). He loved his freedom so much that he figured out a way to break out of his second cage. When we tried to outsmart him with bungee cords, he outsmarted us and broke out with his revenge being pouring Liquid Tide all over the family room. Finally, we resorted to pad locking his cage. This only resulted in him pushing the bottom tray out of the cage which allowed him to walk around the house with the cage on his back. Eventually we gave up on locking him up.
4. Timber and I used to play ball in the backyard when he was younger. He would not stop running after the ball until I gave up or until I felt sorry for him because he was on the verge of throwing up. Anyway, on one such occasion of playing ball, Timber, somehow, stumbled upon a rabbit hole. Only because he couldn't catch the stupid ball and was pouncing all around the entrance of the rabbit hole while struggling to get it in his mouth. One baby bolted out of the nest. It got Timber's attention. The second little bunny wasn't as lucky. Timber just happened to be in the right place at the right time. He caught the little guy in his mouth. And it started screaming in bunny-speak. I freaked out. I tried to pry his mouth open to no avail. I yelled at him with no result. He ran up onto the deck and wanted to go inside while he had this creature in his mouth. I said, "No! Not until you get that out of your mouth!" He understood exactly what I said. So, he swallowed the little bunny whole. I was scarred for life (more like a week) and he was allowed in the house.
3. As a puppy, Timber got into a lot of trouble. He once stole a bottle of Wesson Oil from the kitchen and spilled it in the family room. Then, he thought it tasted so good that he ate the portion of the carpet that was soaked in Wesson. We covered that spot with a chair until we got new carpeting.
2. Leanne scared the poop out of him. Arriving home from a Bar Mitzvah with a crazy sombrero, Leanne ran into the family room. Timber was so frightened that he retreated backwards until he backed into Connor where he proceeded to poop. On Connor. I think he just used to sombrero as an excuse to poop on Connor. He always loved to mess with Connor.
1. Timber loved us. As rough as we played with him he knew his limitations. He would play extremely rough with us. No matter who was playing. But, each time he would go to bite our arms or legs, he would make like he was all ferocious and rabid, but it would be the most gentle bite ever. His teeth would be primed for the biting except he wouldn't bite. It felt more like he was gumming us. And then he would lick our arm or leg and then our faces. We could terrorize him and he would take it. He would lick us, kiss us, jump up on us, and that was it. He knew he was the stronger one in the fight, but he never tried to win the fight. He cared for all of us too much. He loved us so much. He knew when we were sick, or sad. He would be sad whenever any of us was leaving for an extended period of time. But he was never happier when we came home. If I could have one wish right now, it would be that when we get home from vacation, I'd get to see my doggy happy one more time.