Saturday, May 8, 2010

House Hunting with a Crazy Critter

Alys and I were house hunting because for some reason we had yet to find a place to call home. We entered a large three bedroom colonial somewhere that afforded a large yard near a wooded area. The tour of the house was going fine. We seemed to be liking it and each room we entered was better than the last. It wasn't until we walked out the backdoor onto a patio that overlooked the verdant lawn and the adjacent wilderness that this house hunt took a turn for the worse.

The small varmint gave no hint of malice at first. He was milling around on the edge of the trees, scrounging the grass for any bits of grub. No ill will at all. Alys and I were far enough away to just point and casually comment on the odor this little beastie would leave behind him, but then the innocuous creature turned and stared. For the briefest of moments I could feel his eyes upon me and I swear I saw him lick his lips. All conversation ceased and then silence. There was a faint sense of a breeze but the leaves remained still and birds no longer chirped.

A stick cracked somewhere off in the woods.

As if it was a starter's pistol, the skunk made a bee line skampering dash in our direction. We snapped out of our momentary freeze frame and turned towards the backdoor. The sound of this ferocious little gargoyle was a mix of a child suffering an asthma attack and a grizzly bear. Quite jarring. I slammed the sliding door as the mad skunk crashed into the glass. Thankfully it held. We shared another eye to eye, man to monster, stare. Then it looked to its left and I swear it smiled.

It took off running and suddenly, it occurred to me that this emmin-effer was going for the garage. The realtor had disappeared conveniently enough, and Alys and I bolted to the door that led to the garage. She hit the button for the door to close as I stood watch. When it finally shut we stood there in silence, questioning each other if this was really happening. A false sense of safety overcame us and we let ourselves relax for about three seconds. Then, there was a scratching noise in the far side of the two car garage immediately followed by a mammalian hiss. I was close to the four door sedan so I jumped in. Alys swung around to the other side of the door leading inside and closed it just enough so that she could still peek out.

The car was hot and leather. I peered out the window, looking out onto the area from which the sound came. I saw nothing. The car had been backed into the spot so through the windshield I could see Alys. She began to shout in a whisper something that I couldn't quite make out. But it wasn't long before I knew what she was trying to tell me. The skunk (don't ask me how) had opened the trunk to the car. I realized this when I heard the little bugger clawing its way through the backseat. As its head popped through the center of the leather backseat, I let out a shriek and stomped on it, sending it flying back into the trunk. I exited the car and met Alys at the door, but the skunk was right behind. It had its best opportunity to land its rabid claws into my legs and its bloodthirsty teeth into my buttocks, but it went for the spray attack.

One of my dream's parameters for skunk attacks was that a spray assault could only be carried out by being immobile. The skunk had to stop to shoot its stench. And his aim wasn't all that accurate. We narrowly escaped by turning the corner into the kitchen, though now, we were in an unfamiliar house that we had only once toured with a rabid skunk deadset on our extinction.


Heed the Dub

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