IKEA Mario Kart

A trip to IKEA is a real life version of Mario Kart on good ol' Nintendo 64. More specifically, it's like a one lap race at Wario's Stadium. Let me explain.

We went there looking for a rug. Just a rug. Nothing else. So that is the precious lightning bolt that will shrink all other racers. We walk into the store and the arrow is right there on the floor telling us which is the correct direction to move in and just for safety precautions, I grab a map.

And, we're off. Right away I can see my main competition in this race. There is a family of poster children for what the stars of the Jersey Shore are going to look like in 6-8 months. Tats, hair weeves or extenders or whatever they're called and one toddler tricked out in the same Reebok running suit his father(?) is wearing. I say father(?) because there are definitely some quesitonable traits missing from one to the other.

Anyway, Alys and I get out to an early lead and I am confindent that this will be a quick half lap, hit the short cuts to the rugs and then the escalator to check out. Not so lucky. Damn that red-shelled Manstad Gobo couch with matching love seat for $699. We do not have a room ready for any furniture yet, let alone a Manstad Gobo or the Poang birch veneer rocker right next to it.

My little Mario Kart is spinning after getting shelled and The Situation and Mini The Situation zoom by us. We get our act together and start moving. I pull out the map to try and find a short cut when luck would have it my map is in spanish! What the eff??? I wish I knew then what I know now and that is that Camino Corto means short cut. But I didn't know that so I headed to the Salas and the Modulos de Pared. GREAT!

But Future Jersey Shore is stuck checking out the Hasto Chaise and Headrest ($179) and we zoom on by. I actully cut through the entire Chaise section off the beaten path, making my own short cut, and things are looking bright.

Until I have to hit the brakes and make a complete 180. The flashing "wrong way" appears on my screen and there is nothing I can do about it. I head back to find Alys at the Tyda Handle display. Handles for cabinets that we will not be putting anything into and in turn using said handles to get anything out of for at least 2-3 months. J-Woww passes by with her tanned crew in tow.

We grab 12 handles at a bargain price and actually spy a real short cut. We go from Kitchen & Dining right to Children's IKEA! Nothing here that we need so we fly on over to the escalator. Even better news is Snooky and Paulie are tangled up with Mini The Situation's attention distracted by all the kid crap.

Downstairs we get to the rugs, finally. Trouble is they do not have any Strib in stock. We almost pick up two Lusy Bloms, but Alys, bless her heart, thinks twice about it. I check out the Lottorp, Trampa and Ritva, but none of those pass the Alys miss test.

Off to check out where I dodge a Karlskroma on a hand cart that almost takes out my shins. We succeed in hitting the lightning bolt block, shrinking the Jersey Shore and the Desperate Housewives of Bergen County, who made a last ditch effort out of the blue to beat us, and cross the finish line into the parking lot.

Heed the Dub