Relationship Guru

I don't know how it has come to pass, but it seems I have become an expert in the dating department. Turns out that since I've been in a relationship that has spawned an engagement, which in turn spawned impending nuptials, those in my social circles consider me a relationship savant.

Lately, friends and acquaintances have sought out my "expertise" on the merit and life expectancy of other relationships shorter in duration than my own. At some point in time within the last month I crossed a threshold. I have entered into the club of guys who "know what it takes" to make a relationship last. Who would have thought? If only such a club kept a leash on its membership fees, right? You know what I'm saying? (Honey, I'm totally kidding)

Obviously the qualifications for such a club have to do with longevity and appearance to others. Which is funny when you think about it. Length and looks. Real subtle girls. The mantra that "he must be doing something right" comes to mind. The fact that they have lasted this long signifies success.

Though this type of thinking isn't completely off base. Relationship longevity is one good indicator, but there are plenty of couples in which their friends haven't a clue as to why they remain a couple. The outward appearance is usually the hint for those steadies who make everyone aware of their problems.

On the other hand how often do two people break up and neighbors, friends, relatives, and mistresses say, "they seemed so happy." So there is definitely more to it than that. So, in turn there must be more to it for being in this couples' club. People must see something else in a couple than just length and looks when checking out the success of a relationship.
And that can be only one thing. They must have me under surveillance.

I knew I wasn't paranoid.

Progression of Beer

The first sip may or may not taste that great.

You have to give it time, you have to wait.

After a dozen you know your own fate;

In another round or two, it's too late.

I'm baaaack!

That's right! I'm back! But not in the creepy Arnold Schwarzenegger (I almost spelled that right the first time) way when he's just letting the maid know he's home after a long day of killing terminators, Colombians, the devil and state budgets, and is ready to have his pipes cleaned. No. Not in that way at all.

It's been a busy year. Sorry. Life took precedent over Blog. But no more! (probably a lie)

The wedding is approaching and the most recent headache came in the shape of a shiny, navy blue suit. Don't worry it is not anything like Jeff Daniel's ensemble in Dumb and Dumber... it's better.

A little back story for you. There are 6 groomsmen in the bridal party, 1 bridegroom (that's the old fashioned way of saying groom-- read a book), 2 fathers, and 2 grandfathers of the bride-- and everyone is getting a suit!

Think Oprah. Imagine her shouting, "You get a suit! And you get a suit! And you get a suit!" You get the idea.

Only Oprah wasn't the one at the suit store, with everyone's suit size, picking out the colors everyone wanted or was being forced to wear, and dealing with the master salesman Claude.

Long story short, it took a number of weeks to get everyone to visit their local neighborhood tailor guy to get sized. Then, the order was placed. Every suit would come with flat front pants (not pleated) and the bride and groom would pick up the suits, a rainbow would appear in the sky, and they would skip to a Disney song, written by the Sherman brothers, sung by Julie Andrews, and peace would break out in the Middle East. Everyone would smile and be happy.

But no, it was not meant to be.

Every suit came back as requested except for one. The only suit to come back pleated was the groom's. There were some options. The tailor could take the pleats out, which meant he/she would need to take the pants apart, thread by thread, seam by seam, for $65. Or get a different suit.

I did not like the idea of wearing pants that were going to be completely disassembled. I worried about this as much as Johnny 5. How could the pants ever possibly be what they once were, nice looking pants? So, after much deliberation, and multiple trips to the dressing room, which anyone who knows me knows how I feel about dressing rooms.

I'd rather be in a port-o-potty deciding if I should risk getting some sort of bacterial/viral infection by taking a seat than go into a stupid dressing

room to try on clothes.

I finally decided on a different suit of a similar color, but with a stripe. Oh well.

Movie Etiquette

After years of being irked, in the words of Howard Beale embodied by Peter Finch, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore."

It is time that I deliver the 9 Movie Theater Commandments. I have seen hundreds, most likely closing in on a thousand films in theaters all over the country. From Reno, Nevada to Hilton Head, South Carolina. From New York, New York to Boise, Idaho. I have seen films in the large chain multiplexes to small art house cinemas. I like to think that besides seeing the films and learning something or other about the human condition I have also learned and mastered what it takes to enjoy and allow others to enjoy a film on the big screen. So without further ado, I present the 9 Movie Theater Commandments.

9. Please save the make out sessions for the car or a hotel. I do not need to hear two people sucking face while I'm trying to focus on the complicated plot of Inception. Yeah, it was funny on Seinfeld during Schindler's List, but that was a sitcom. In real life, stay in the parking lot and save twenty bucks.

8. I was in a sold out showing for Dinner for Schmucks and there was actually someone complaining to theater staff that her and her friend's seats were stolen. Saving seats is not illegal at the movies. It is a fact of life. But to avoid an incident like the one involving the schmucks, clarity is the best quality. Leave at least one friend to stand guard over the seats. Items of clothing are best used when distributed equally and visibly over the seats in question. And never respond to "Are these seats taken?" with something like, "Haha, uh huh. They are. Next time try working on your punctuality, movie geek." They might have really big friends who steal your friends' seats.

7. No throwing food. In the dark, and while sitting down, that big headed dork in front of you could be a Jersey Shore castaway tweaking on PCP. And those pieces of popcorn you threw at him could resemble napkins thrown up into the fan at D'Jais and then he starts fist pumping and hits you and ten other people and ends up ruining the movie for everyone.

6. If you have an annoying laugh please try to control yourself. If you don't know that you have an annoying laugh, chances are none of your friends want to sit next to you during a comedy, and the one who gets stuck next to you never ends up enjoying the movie. So please, do all of the movie watching public a service and save the comedies for movie nights at home.

5. I don't care what ethnicity a person is because this is not directed at any one race. I have seen people of all races and creeds who are guilty of this. With that said, stop asking questions or making suggestions to the characters on the screen. They cannot hear you and will never answer you. The only thing your questioning and suggesting does is annoy the hell out of the people in the theater and make you look and sound like an ignoramus. And if you are one of these people, an ignoramus is an idiot.

4. Pee before the film starts. If you need to go, I'm only letting you by twice; once to go and once to come back. Any more than that and I just might push you over the row in front of me.

3. Don't put your bad parenting skills on display by bringing your seven and eight year olds to see Predators. You're a horrible parent, and possibly a horrible person, and you are keeping the door to your kid growing up and becoming a mass murderer that much more ajar than it probably already is. Save yourself and society by checking out Toy Story 3 instead.

2. Nothing rips me out of a movie trance more than a damn text message or ringtone. How can you not realize that everyone within earshot and eyeshot wants to tear that phone out of your dead, rigor mortis-ed hand (they've all killed you) and shove it "where the sun don't shine." Silence is golden and darkness is preferred.

1. Babies. Everywhere else, cute as can be. In a darkened movie theater, a crying baby makes baby punchers out of nuns. Get a babysitter. Call your mom. Leave a bottle in the crib. Roll down the car windows. Give the bum on the corner a fifth of Jack and tell him you'll be back a little later. I don't care. Just don't bring the infant into the movie theater. It shows a complete lack of class, respect, upbringing, couth, caring, parenting, money, responsibility, sense; you name it.

Incoming Nuptials

Check out our Wedding Website. It's taken up my blogging time, but it has been well worth it. Below there are two pages from our site cut and pasted to the blog.

Weddingwire.com/warrenandalyssa

Wedding website 2 - weddingwire.com/warrenandalyssa

1. How do I pronounce the groom's last name? I'm glad you asked this question. I have been dealing with this problem my entire life and I continue to fight the good fight. My last name is Heede. You pronounce the last E. So phonetically speaking, it is Heedy or Heedee or He Dee. 2. What is the bride's first name? a) Alice b) Alyssa c) Alicia d) Beth If you answered b) Alyssa, you are right. Any other answer gets you dis-invited. 3. Why Pennsylvania? Because Skytop is a castle and I consider myself a prince and Alyssa is my little princess and that is what princes and princesses do. They get married in castles. 4. What is the groom's shoe size? Normally, I wear size 13 shoes. Nike runs a little large, so I wear 12 in Nike. Flip flops, boat shoes, and penny loafers all vary so I like to try them on. 5. Why is the groom so much taller than the bride? If I were closer to her height we would have to have a step stool in every room to reach the hard to reach places. Personally, I find step stools to be a waste of money. That's why I grew so tall. 6. What makes Alyssa so darn beautiful? Well, just like the old saying goes little girls are made of "sugar and spice and everything nice." Alyssa is made up of all of that plus a few secret ingredients that I'm not exactly at liberty to discuss. Alyssa would kill me. Plus, I don't know her little secret. She doesn't tell me everything. My theory is that she found the fountain of youth because she still gets IDed everywhere we go and complete strangers think she's fresh out of high school. But that's just a theory. 7. Why isn't Peanut in the wedding party? Peanut is an attention junky. She craves the spotlight and needs everyone's eyes on her. Since Alyssa and I want most of the attention at our wedding on us, with an 80/20 split favoring Alyssa, that leaves no attention for Peanut. She would never be okay with that. Peanut would undoubtedly make some sort of scene and have to be escorted from the premises by Skytop police. Since we plan on avoiding all of this drama, Peanut is not even invited. Sorry Nut. 8. Why do I go to the movies so often? Alyssa is a cinephile. I need to go to the movies in order to keep the relationship going. There is nothing I can do to curb Alyssa's love of film. I find her love and knowledge of movies to be quite alluring. 9. What is Rambo's first name? a) Ken b) Frank c) John d) Herbert The answer is c) John. If you answered this question wrong, you are not a true patriot. You need to stand up and say the Pledge of Allegiance and hum The Star Spangled Banner. Afterwards, you will be allowed to rejoin the wedding guests. 10. How was I able to land such a catch as Alyssa? Luck and timing and the stars aligned, I told a great joke and my hair looked really good that day, my clothes were freshly pressed and the odor eaters were working overtime. Besides all of that, Peanut didn't growl at me, I remembered the Axe, I brushed my teeth three times that day, there was plenty of change in my pockets, my political views were quite moderate at the time, and the sun was shining too. I'm sure some or all or none of the above had something to do with it; haven't really figured it out yet.

Wedding Website - weddingwire.com/warrenandalyssa

Our story begins one stormy lightning-filled night when Alyssa tried to set me up on a blind date with one of her friends. I didn't actually believe this to be the case and really thought she just wanted to see me. Turns out, I was absolutely wrong. She was trying to set me up with a friend. I showed up to Maxwell's where Alyssa was chilling and gallivanting with her friends. She tried to get me to talk to her friend and I was caught completely off guard because I thought her text to me about wanting me to meet her "friend" was code. I humored Alyssa with this "blindsiding" date for a while, but sadly, I was more interested in Alyssa. Sadly for her friend that is :-)

So I walked Alyssa home that night and we laughed and smiled and got drenched in the rain. Until we got into a taxi that is; unfortunately, that sped up the walk home significantly. Alyssa still regrets getting into that taxi because she was enthralled with my life story.

That was the start of something beautiful and fuzzy. Next up on the holiday party list was Halloween. I was in a bit of a jam because I didn't have a costume picked out. Alyssa had been preparing for this holiday for weeks. She was dead set on winning the costume contest at Onieal's. She was stunningly dressed as Kat Von D. I didn't have the slightest clue as to who that was. Some tattooed girl on the TLC channel. Why would I know that? Anyway, back to my tale.

Thankfully my mother, the sweetest lady ever, (tied with Alyssa's mom) decided she would help me out with my costume. With only a mere two hours until I needed a costume I was in dire straits. Finally, I had a brainstorm. Justin Timberlake from his infamous SNL music video, "____ in a Box". Now, being tied for sweetest lady in the world, my mom would never willingly participate in creating such a distasteful get up. She needed to be tricked. So I tricked her. I had her wrap the box and I did the rest myself.

To make a long story short, my mom was disgusted by what the costume turned out to be. Alyssa found it to be hilarious. And to top it all off, I won first prize at Onieal's and took home a gift certificate that served to pay for one of our first official dates. Thanks mom.

It was an unforgettable Halloween. The first of many.